So for a bit more information on our trying to conceive and finding out we were having a baby please ready my previous two posts.
This is the hardest thing for me to write because writing it down makes it so real but I also feel like writing it down gets it out. We found out I was pregnant on a Thursday evening told our parents the Friday after we found out. On the Sunday I went to work feeling very pregnant feeling sick, having back pain, and really sore boobs.
By Sunday afternoon I went to the bathroom and there it was blood my heart sank so fast it hit the floor. I was devastated I knew there and then. I know some people do have spotting during pregnancy but I knew for me i was losing the baby. At this point I was 7 weeks and 4 days pregnant. I had my first midwife appointment Monday.
I went down into the office and told my friend what was happening, I just sobbed the whole way through. She called 111 for me and they suggested i go down to the badger centre. (Which is our out of hours doctors). My husband can to pick me up and we went straight down. The doctor I saw was so rude and didn’t care about me at all. I went in the room and he had all the notes from my call with 111 and asked ‘what do you want me to do about it?’ I was so shocked genuinely didn’t know what to say. My husband told him 111 suggested we come down here to get checked out. He told me i was prob JUST having a miscarriage. Just. That really got to me. Just having a miscarriage, like it was nothing, like it was so unimportant, like it wasn’t my world crashing around me. He felt my tummy and just suggested rest.
We went home I did just that I lay on my bed and cried for hours. The next day we went to the midwife appointment, I was still bleeding. I wasn’t in a good state i was expecting the midwife to be as cruel as the doctor I saw. She wasn’t however, she was so lovely and understanding. She told me not to worry that I might be having a miscarriage but at the same time baby could still be ok and the only way to tell was to send me for an early scan.
She gave me a small bit of hope. The next day me and my husband went for the scan and there was a yoke sack with a small embryo inside however it looked as though part of the sack had collapsed. The doctor couldn’t be sure he said the only way to really know was to come back in 2 weeks and see if baby has grown or baby might not be there. Again i was holding into a small bit of hope, though I knew it was over and the baby wasn’t going to survive.
I had to be sighed off work for that 2 week wait because I was so devastated. Also by this point I was in a lot of pain and having strong contraction like pains that literally stopped me doing anything. That waiting was the worst experience of my life and the only people that got me through it were my husband and parents. I couldn’t cope with getting out of bed in the morning I sobbed my heart out every time I woke up. Tom was so wonderful even though he was probably hurting himself he was so strong for me. I couldn’t look past my own misery at the time, till my mom said to me I had to pull myself together and think about what my behaviour might be doing to my husband. I think that is the only thing that pulled me out of going down a really dark path. I don’t recommend my method as a way of dealing with a miscarriage but I don’t know a good positive way to either. Sometime you have to feel heartache to truly appreciate what you have or what you one day will have.
I went to my second scan 2 weeks later with my husband and there was no baby just a small scar on my uterus where the baby was. I was sad but I felt good for knowing and hoping to move on. I was due back at the work the next day so focused on getting back to work. A couple of my work friends knew what was happening and were all very supportive and one actually went through something similar was really supportive and gave me a lot of hope for the future as she now has a happy healthy little girl.
There isn’t to much detail about actual physical upset of a miscarriage this is more about my emotional rollercoaster through a very short lived pregnancy. I only knew i was pregnant and got to enjoy that feeling for 2 days. But those 2 days were so wonderful and happy i can hold onto those hoping to feel like that again soon. All this happened at the end of August and through to the start of September 2015. Were still trying now and hopefully some day soon out little miracle will happen and we can feel that happy for 9 months and the rest our lives together.
My next post will be dealing with miscarriage after its happened in the following months.
Thanks for ready everyone. Please let me know if you have any stories to share or advice on how better to deal with a miscarriage. If you are reading this post and are going through or recovering from a miscarriage, there is still hope and your world can fall apart for a short time but its how you rebuild your world that makes your a stronger person.
Wishing you all good thoughts.