Miscarriage

So for a bit more information on our trying to conceive and finding out we were having a baby please ready my previous two posts.

This is the hardest thing for me to write because writing it down makes it so real but I also feel like writing it down gets it out. We found out I was pregnant on a Thursday evening told our parents the Friday after we found out. On the Sunday I went to work feeling very pregnant feeling sick, having back pain, and really sore boobs.

By Sunday afternoon I went to the bathroom and there it was blood my heart sank so fast it hit the floor. I was devastated I knew there and then. I know some people do have spotting during pregnancy but I knew for me i was losing the baby. At this point I was 7 weeks and 4 days pregnant. I had my first midwife appointment Monday.

I went down into the office and told my friend what was happening, I just sobbed the whole way through. She called 111 for me and they suggested i go down to the badger centre. (Which is our out of hours doctors). My husband can to pick me up and we went straight down. The doctor I saw was so rude and didn’t care about me at all. I went in the room and he had all the notes from my call with 111 and asked ‘what do you want me to do about it?’ I was so shocked genuinely didn’t know what to say. My husband told him 111 suggested we come down here to get checked out. He told me i was prob JUST having a miscarriage. Just. That really got to me. Just having a miscarriage, like it was nothing, like it was so unimportant, like it wasn’t my world crashing around me. He felt my tummy and just suggested rest.

We went home I did just that I lay on my bed and cried for hours. The next day we went to the midwife appointment, I was still bleeding. I wasn’t in a good state i was expecting the midwife to be as cruel as the doctor I saw. She wasn’t however, she was so lovely and understanding. She told me not to worry that I might be having a miscarriage but at the same time baby could still be ok and the only way to tell was to send me for an early scan.

She gave me a small bit of hope. The next day me and my husband went for the scan and there was a yoke sack with a small embryo inside however it looked as though part of the sack had collapsed. The doctor couldn’t be sure he said the only way to really know was to come back in 2 weeks and see if baby has grown or baby might not be there. Again i was holding into a small bit of hope, though I knew it was over and the baby wasn’t going to survive.

I had to be sighed off work for that 2 week wait because I was so devastated. Also by this point I was in a lot of pain and having strong contraction like pains that literally stopped me doing anything. That waiting was the worst experience of my life and the only people that got me through it were my husband and parents. I couldn’t cope with getting out of bed in the morning I sobbed my heart out every time I woke up. Tom was so wonderful even though he was probably hurting himself he was so strong for me. I couldn’t look past my own misery at the time, till my mom said to me I had to pull myself together and think about what my behaviour might be doing to my husband. I think that is the only thing that pulled me out of going down a really dark path. I don’t recommend my method as a way of dealing with a miscarriage but I don’t know a good positive way to either. Sometime you have to feel heartache to truly appreciate what you have or what you one day will have.

I went to my second scan 2 weeks later with my husband and there was no baby just a small scar on my uterus where the baby was. I was sad but I felt good for knowing and hoping to move on. I was due back at the work the next day so focused on getting back to work. A couple of my work friends knew what was happening and were all very supportive and one actually went through something similar was really supportive and gave me a lot of hope for the future as she now has a happy healthy little girl.

There isn’t to much detail about actual physical upset of a miscarriage this is more about my emotional rollercoaster through a very short lived pregnancy. I only knew i was pregnant and got to enjoy that feeling for 2 days. But those 2 days were so wonderful and happy i can hold onto those hoping to feel like that again soon. All this happened at the end of August and through to the start of September 2015. Were still trying now and hopefully some day soon out little miracle will happen and we can feel that happy for 9 months and the rest our lives together.

My next post will be dealing with miscarriage after its happened in the following months.

Thanks for ready everyone. Please let me know if you have any stories to share or advice on how better to deal with a miscarriage. If you are reading this post and are going through or recovering from a miscarriage, there is still hope and your world can fall apart for a short time but its how you rebuild your world that makes your a stronger person.

Wishing you all good thoughts.

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First few months trying

If anything the first few months were the easiest because there was so much to look forward and to hold onto. We started trying to have a baby in Jan 2015 we were getting married in May 2015.

I was so convinced it would be easy and we would get pregnant in the first month I was thinking about how I would wear my wedding dress to hide a bump at 4 months pregnant. I don’t want this blog to sound bitter in any way because in no sense am I bitter with my life. I am so lucky to have everything I have and the people i have in my life to share it with. So i will keep all my scarcastic comments about ‘how wrong was I?’ and ‘what did I know?’ to myself for the most part. Or i will try to.

After the first couple of months we decided the month before the wedding to not try to conceive for a month so I could enjoy my hen do and wedding day without worrying about drinking and harming any unborn baby that may have been inside me at the time. At this point i was disappointed, naturally, and already starting to have a feeling creeping up on me that it may not be as easy as first thought to get a bun in the oven.

We had the most amazing wedding day with all our friends, family and important people in out lives. We went on a beautiful honeymoon to corfu where we relaxed and started to try again. Only this time I felt more and more like it was never going to happen and each month it didn’t happen I was devastated. At the same time it seemed ridiculous to me to be devastated by a lose of something that was never real, never really there, it didn’t exist. ┬áBut thats how I felt. More and more I would get the feeling that something was wrong with me as my periods had always been irregular since I was a teenager.

Until one month Tom sat me down and told me this had to stop I was making myself ill and he was right I was. It was coming up to my Birthday in July and we had planned a trip to go away with some of our close friends. I made a decision that we were still going to try but stop trying (if that makes sense). Stop all the tracking and ovulation tests that were taking over my mental state and try have fun try to relax and enjoy my married life for a while without obsessing over babies and being pregnant. I decide to be positive and happy. Happiness is a choice for the most part and you can choose to be happy if you truly want to be.

So we did stop and we were happy we went to wales for my birthday with friends and in August we went to wales again with my whole family and had the most amazing holiday. Only even though I wasn’t tracking my periods I knew I was late. I didn’t ever think I could be pregnant because I’d basically given up on the idea over the last two months. On the way back from that holiday I decided I would take a test when I got home i made sure my hopes weren’t high and I honestly never expected to be pregnant. I made sure I didn’t stop for a wee the whole 3 hour drive home.

We eventually got home and as Tom was fetching a few things out the car I ran upstairs saying a really needed a wee which was true. I had about a thousand pregnancy tests as in the last few months I was taking about 10 each months. I didn’t tell tom I was doing a test, after all whats the point ? It would be negative anyway. My periods were always irregular so being late was no big sign. I didn’t the test i never waited the right 3 mins I just had a quick glance in the toilet and got ready to throw it away no second line that was that there was a slight twing of disappointment up hey we live on. As I sorted myself out to go down and help tom unload the car, I was screwing up the packaging and I spotted the second line. WHAT?!? My heart actually skipped a beat, I never understood that saying till that day. I was shaking I didn’t know where to turn I stood in our 2ft by 4 ft toilet shaking. It still didn’t register I opened the door and headed onto the landing to take a better look in the light. Yep there it was! A second line alright. I walked down the stairs just as tom came in. “Look” I said beaming at him “is it right?” I asked him.

We jumped back in the car and headed down to our local Tesco’s for a clear blue digital to confirm what we already knew. The lady at the check out looked at me and I was beaming she said congratulations and we explained we just wanted to be sure and she suggested waiting till morning to take this one.

I didn’t sleep that night and woke up dead early to take the test. Yep there it was black and white. I was up the duff alright. 3 weeks according to the clear blue test so 5 weeks pregnant.

So we will leave this entry here for now in a happy place. And i will continue with our story in my next entry. At this point we would have been in the end of August 2015. The happiest few day of our lives to date. Although things obviously didn’t work out the way we had hoped we still continue onward knowing that we can be that happy again. Positive thoughts inwards to ourselves and outwards to the world.

Hope is what keeps us going onwards and upwards.

Happy TTCing People.

 

The Baby Games – Intro

Hi everybody so first of all just a bit of background about me and my husband. My names Becky and his name is Tom. Im 23 years young and he is the grand old age of 25. I decide to write this blog on a whim which I was lying in bed last night unable to sleep with loads of thoughts running around in my head. I thought why not share them, there is hundreds of woman out there going through the same things as me.

Me and my husband have been married for just over 10 months, we are very happy together. We decided even before the wedding that we wanted a baby and I truly believed this would be a simple task. We started trying in January 2015 which seems like a lifetime ago…

I decided very early on in my life that I was a mother (not that i was going to be a mother that I WAS a mom), from around 3 years old playing house and always being the mommy with the baby. Then it was so simple you picked ups your doll and choose your snooty, sticky husband out the group of possible 3 year old boys, and that was it. You had your family set. Sorted. Done.

As a girl you are told through your whole teenage years how easy it is to get pregnant, that you can get pregnant at any time. LIES! If only they knew the affect these words could have on someones life down the line when you realise that a life just isn’t that easy to make. For the last 14 months those words in sex education all that time ago have been sat in my head and made me ask the enevatable question whats wrong with me ?

So I decide to write this blog and call it the baby games.

A. Because I think the hunger games are cool.

and

B. Because it is a bit like the hunger games… Scary, Exciting and a bit of a slow process.